Withholds and beyond 7

Withholds and Beyond

Part 7 –

Is it possible to emotionally hurt someone?

That’s an interesting question isn’t it?  I’m curious what your answer is?

All of us can definitely say that we’ve had the experience of being hurt in relationship with someone, but can we definitely say they caused the hurt?

Interested in being trained to facilitate this?  https://guysengstock.com/the-art-of-circling/

Is it possible for someone to point their face in your direction, make sounds come out of their mouths and this result in you being deeply hurt?

Let’s take a look and see if we can discover it together.

First, it seems in order to get hurt by the sounds coming out of another’s face, I need to understand what those sounds mean.

The first step of our inquiry is to address the question, “what do you mean when you say, ‘I understand you’?” How do we go about translating those sounds coming out of another’s face in to an understanding of them and what they are saying, so that you can take this understanding and get hurt by it?

Imagine I’m standing in front of you, and I am trying to get you to understand me. Here I am with this experience going on in me – senses, thoughts, ideas, feelings, and ever-changing conglomeration of experiences…
And you over there got the same thing going on – thoughts, feelings, emotions, thoughts about those thoughts and feelings about those feelings etc…  However, most likely, my conglomeration is different from your conglomeration. So in order to get you to finally understand me, I gotta use these bizarre things called “words” doing this even weirder thing called “communicating”.

All right, so – in communication, if I’m trying to get what’s going on in me and I try to get it over in you – resulting in you saying, “Ah, I get it!” I need to use language.
It may not be words.  It may be body gestures, or facial expressions but all of that is the world of language. Words, obviously, are not literally what they are referring to, right? There isn’t a word that is ever exactly what it is pointing at.

So all of my experience (thoughts, feelings, emotions), I translate them into these symbols (words) which are not the experience itself. These representations go over to you and into your ears. And you then have an association of what all those words mean.  And those references and associations are based on your experiences (thoughts, feelings, emotions).  And I have my own associations as well, of course…
And so it goes though all of your filters that you have and then you go, “Ah, I get you.” And then I take a breath and say “yes, you do”?

What da…?

I think that the only thing we can know for sure is that I feel understood.  That’s about all I can say is un-arguably true.

In reality, can we ever say that anybody, anywhere has ever, literally, known what another has meant? What I mean by known is the traditional meaning of knowledge i.e. the mental representation I have in my head of your experience is perfectly accurate with your actual lived experience.

Has anybody ever been able to know that for sure?

Well, the only way I could be sure is for you to confirm my understanding.

Imagining seeking this confirmation, our inquiry un-conceals an inescapable/existential reality of being a human being, in a very particular way.  No one will ever be able to crawl inside of your nervous system and feel your sensations the way you’re feeling them, experience your experiences, ever. And you will never ever be able to experience mine, no matter how great of a communicator I am.  The best I can do is to communicate in such a way as that you get the feeling that you understand. Does that mean that you literally understand me?  No.  The best we can do is that we feel like we get/understand each other.

Let’s really break it down and get very literal here.

Is it possible for me to emotionally hurt you? Is that possible?

If your answer is “yes”, what that means is that I can say something that directly causes emotional pain. Does that make me responsible for hurting you?

Man, the fact that I can’t ever, ever, ever know your experience and that no one has ever known what someone else is actually experiencing – to say that I can actually hurt you, in a certain sense seems almost ridiculous.

Now, I’m saying this at a risk.  I don’t want to impose the idea that our experience of being hurt is inaccurate or invalid.  It is not, not at all.  If we experience feeling hurt we are hurt. Period.

But, I can say one thing to you and you may laugh, and I can say the same thing to another person and they may feel emotionally hurt – what’s the difference?  How is it that we go about doing that?

That I did something, and it had and impact on you is un-deniable. I can take responsibility for doing something that had an impact because
one thing I know for sure is that I did say those words and it then translated into how you interpreted and felt about them. I know I am the source of those words, and it had an impact.  I can take responsibility for my words, behavior, and actions on you.  That, literally, is all I can take responsibility for.

Now, how it impacts you, now that really depends on the person receiving it.  As far as I can tell – and this is just Guy making his best guess here – it works like this:
If I’m a car and I hit a brick wall at 40mph, its gonna have a certain impact based on
the structure of the wall and the car.  And if I do the same thing with a styrofoam wall, it’s going to have a completely different effect.  Same car, same speed, same fact of impact – but how it is impacted is given by the structure of what I hit.  Everyone’s structure is different – right?

So I can’t take responsibility for the structure of you – hell, you can’t even literally communicate to me your structure.  I can feel as though I know it, but I can’t ever really know it.  So I want to give some literal perspective on this, so that we can start to get to the heart of the matter of what is going on here when we feel emotionally hurt.

And this leads us to the next question: What is it to share authentically?

Interested in being trained to facilitate this?  https://guysengstock.com/the-art-of-circling/

3 comments on “Withholds and beyond 7
  1. lisa says:

    You are talking about boundaries. I am responsible for my feelings and how I react to those feelings. I am not responsible for someone else’s feelings. They are. People are people and they are going to do and say things out of hurt and maybe even try to hurt others. It is life. I can only control how I react to them.

  2. Casey Choate says:

    I have the answer to your question, “what is it to share authentically?”

    To share authentically means to share from the space of awareness. To share from my essence. The share without the limitations of my thoughts. To share without the distractions in my head. To share without the should’s. To share without it needing to look a certain way. To share without judgements or fears of judgements. To share what is moving in this present moment.

    I said that I have the answer to this, of course, this is from my perspective…which, if we want to go deeper, is really your perspective as well, seeing as how we are all the same being 🙂

    On a side note, I was just watching a video about roughly the same topic you wrote about. What I got out of it is the following… We are transmuters. When we are centered, present and in this moment without the mind interfering we can transmute other’s “negative” emotions and thoughts. When we are radiating and resonating at the frequency of love, then others can’t help but to feel that love and have it affect them. When we are present others become present around us…they cannot help this. I have experienced this first hand. We either transmute the lower vibrational energies, or we perpetuate them. We don’t have to buy into the story that someone else is even hurt or that we hurt them. What is hurt anyway? It is a feeling yes? I say that feeling hurt can be joyous. It is the story of the hurt that is truly painful.

  3. Erin Brannon says:

    Sometimes in the process of building ourselves up to protect our emotional vulnerability we create other possibly damaging traits that may mask our true feelings or block our communication even more. This resulting in relationship problems or holding emotions in w/o expression. Everyone develops ways of displacing the emotional hurt and because it is not tangible many do it without even realizing it. Sometimes we resort to learned behavior or cling to things that have worked in our past or childhood and by the time we are adult we have well established a personality trait in how we open up or let ourselves feel or trust or even what we take chances on or experience due to not exposing ourselves to people or situations that “make us” hurt emotionally.

    Everyone seems to have there own way or multiple ways we interpret or express or process or react to internal emotional hurt. Some can automatically build a wall that does not allow them to be impacted by the pain. (At least not at the moment.) Some can keep almost complete emotional control while in the presence of people no matter how much pain is inside. Others are bleeding hearts or what I refer to as being inside out. The hurt and emotion goes straight to the heart and comes pouring out in expression and eyes and reactions of anger and sadness and grief many times not getting resolved because others may not be side by side wanting to drag each and every hurt and tear to the surface.

    There are some ways of handling the impact of hurtful things that are healthier than others. Some use denial which can lead to many unforeseen problems. If you don’t deal with your own internal feelings of hurt and grief at some point it deals with you. “If you choose not to decide you still have made a choice.” Some try to counter act the negative feelings by indulging in feel good behaviors such as food, shopping, sex and drugs. Others express their feelings through art, music writing. Even with all the different survival tactics humans use I still question how one can control the impact of hurt brought on by someone else s words or actions. I realize that the best way is to acknowledge the pain and accept it feel it and move on but that is much easier said than followed through.

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