Withholds and Beyond-3

Withholds and Beyond

Communication is a function of intention. What’s your intention?

In the last post, I left you with a question, “Ultimately, if control is about prevention, what do we really want to prevent?”

Well, of course from situation to situation it has to do with the circumstances – we don’t want to get in trouble, or lose the money, or lose your friendship, or I don’t want this or I don’t want that….so that justifies me saying this, or not saying that, blah, blah, blah, ect. But, if we take a step beyond that, into the deeper background of what’s happening, ultimately, control is about survival.

Survival. Think about that word, survival. It basically says, I didn’t die. When I’ve survived then I didn’t die. That word itself doesn’t connote living – right?

There is surviving and then there is living.
There’s being driven and then there is being passionate.
One is about not-losing and the other about winning. One is about living and one is about prevention, maintaining a grip and predicting the future. Ultimately, its about survival. We know we are going to die and we have very mixed feelings about that – so we want to prevent it if at all possible.

Survival of what though? Well, the survival of me. But who is me?
Well, it’s who I consider myself to be.

Who I consider myself to be – lets talk about this – what is the outcome of this consideration?
For example, often times for me (and this has gotten less and less over the years as I have worked with it a bunch) when I come up with something new for a course and I have worked really hard on it, if someone doesn’t like it or they don’t respond to it – I get so hurt. I feel hurt, then I don’t want anyone to know that I feel hurt and then I have this feeling inside of me like, ‘fuck you’ like a little kid, and I’m pouting inside – and on the outside I’m trying to cover it all up because I’m ashamed of feeling that way. Because of this, allot of times, when I presented something new I wouldn’t be myself, because I was so worried about what others would think. So I would be kind of tight and lose contact with the room, ect. When I am doing that – that’s me trying to control.
But – if control is ultimately about survival, and I am presenting new material, then how is that connected to survival? Well, on some level I am very attached to what I created. And on some level I have a belief that if you don’t see it a certain way that it means it has something to do deeply with who/what I consider myself to be.
In other words, if you don’t respond and reflect back to me who I consider myself to be (with anything that is important to me) then, all of the sudden, this thing that I consider myself to be is threatened. I know it is because my stomach drops and I have all these feelings, then all these thoughts about those feelings – and the really fun loop begins -right?

So, lets look at what we mean by this:
Who I consider myself to be.
What is the outcome of this consideration?
We are talking about our identity. I just want to cover the basics of identity here, and then in the next blog posts we will go into it in more detail.

Identity – who I consider myself to be is what I identify myself to be.
What is identity? Whatever the being considers itself to be.
Now, we are making an interesting distinction here… one that we don’t often make – Between the being and this self-image.

And I’d be willing to say that every time you have been hurt emotionally its because you have these two distinct things collapsed together – your being-ness, and the image you consider yourself to be. To the degree that these two things are fused is to the degree that I feel/think am my identity. And identity is always an image in the mind. It has emotional components to it of course, it shapes our posture, our neurology, and our breathing rate – but this image is just an image, with a first last name.
And an image always presupposes a viewer. Another pair of eyes that sees and confirms my cosmic specialness!

And here is the interesting question: Who is identified with it? Who is that?
There has to be something prior to this image, right?
This is what I am calling the being.
What is identity? Whatever the being considers itself to be.

What have you considered yourself to be?

Now, lets just say that somehow you get upset – what’s happening there?
More than likely what is being threatened is the identity.
Now, lets just review real quickly:
Communication is a function of intention.
In intimate relationships we always have one of two intentions – to either control or to relate.
What is control about? Ultimately it’s about preventing. Ultimately, all the way down, it’s about survival and not dying.
Survival of what?
Survival of what I consider myself to be, which is the identity.
And, consider that when you have gotten hurt emotionally it reveals the fusion your being has with the image you have of yourself. If this image becomes threatened, and the being has the two things collapsed, we will do ANYTHING to prevent that.
Control. Upsets. Think of all the times you have gotten upset….

One comment on “Withholds and Beyond-3
  1. tahil says:

    Thank you! love the distinctions and unwrapping us to our beingness

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